Medievia Mudslinger

June 24th, 2002

You know you're playing too much Medievia when... - By Kakkaraun

You become a truck driver for that "realistic" trading experience.

You've ever hallucinated that a board was hugging you after a three-day XPing spree. (Guilty)

When someone mentions grooming (hair) you ask if they found any eggs.

Your ISP bill is more than your lights, gas, and insurance combined.

You get in a fight and are amazed when your foe's flesh does not wilt after you read a passage out of the book you're reading.

You have more than 20 gigabytes devoted to Medievian information on your hard drive.

You go on a cave tour and dash away from the tour group in search of blood-weeds and bears.

You see a slug, and either run quickly away or dig up a plant's root to munch on.

You sleep only three minutes a night.

You are surprised when your jug is empty after only twenty or so drinks.

You find this funny.

You found that funny.

You claim that you never need to buy dice because your imp will do it for you.

You wonder why you don't get paid after voting.

You expect to meet vampire bats and poisonous snakes whenever you enter a graveyard.

You climb trees and jump off of them to save on travel expenses.

You equate calling long distance to using the town command.

Because of you, every nerd in your city is playing Medievia. (Guilty)

Whenever you get sick you chug green tea non-stop.

When you get lost, you find the nearest 7-11, buy some blue Kool-Aid and some milk, mix them together and chug it.

You have so many characters you could make a full clan with no one but you in it.

You've gotten in trouble for mudding at work or school more than eight times.

You go to the zoo and wonder why the animals don't throw axes at you, and where the pixies are.

You back away from your shadow whenever you climb a tree.

You kill every ant you see.

You carry around oak branches and wonder why your foes don't shrivel up and die.

You wonder why you never see a backpack full of oaken sticks at a garage sale or auction.

You traded your graphics card for a faster modem.

You see no need to buy a new computer since your 386 is just perfect for text games.

You want an online version of Zork so you can "try something different."

You have an IV drip and a nurse in your home so you never have to stop playing.

You write letters to Warner Brothers daily, asking them to make a Medievia movie.

You have several "back up characters" in case you get frozen.

You try and cast Detect Poison if you find a piece of discarded food on the ground and, if nothing happens, you eat it.

On a camping trip, you constantly remind others to watch out for the wolves because they have thief abilities.

You're afraid to beat up nerds because they might be casters.

You get your clan's name tattooed across your back.

You go blind from staring at the screen so much.

You start a "Learn How To Speed Read" business based on what you learned absorbing line after line of text.

You have a mini-fridge next to your computer.

You've looted more than three DCs.

In a week.

You got sick of waiting for a Medievia TV show so you traded your TV for a camcorder to make your own.

You've made artificial equipment so you can match your Med character in real life.

The town you live in is commonly referred to as "Med City" (no joke, mine is) and you chuckle whenever someone says it.

You find a priest and ask him to teach you some spells you forgot to learn last class.

You have gathered enough containers for different body locations that you can carry more eggs than a full nine person formation.

You've explained to your friends what "text-based" means more than two or three hundred times.

You're walking down the middle of the street when an earthquake starts, and you just sit down and relax until it ends.

You feel a gust of wind when hanging out in your basement (playing Medievia, of course) and you cower in fear.

There's a solar eclipse, and you start walking around in search of spores.

You carry around a flute, a cult's holy symbol, and a glowing orb of light, just in case you meet any newbies.

You go to Goodwill and start looking around for the id-a-tron.

You run through dilapidated mansions looking for equipment.

You go to a forest and wonder where all the elves are hiding.

On your thirty-first birthday, you buy out a chicken farm, climb Mount Everest, and look around for the button.

You go through multiple career changes. You start out as a doctor, then you become a professional criminal, then a soldier, and finally you choose to train as a computer programmer.

You don't become a father/mother until you're one hundred and twenty four years of age.

You get a job where you can work from home so you don't have to leave Medievia.

You assume that all food and drink is edible for one hundred and eighty five days.

You have food poisoning (see above) and start asking for a priest.

You black out, and when you wake up you rush to the local Town Hall to see where the Combs popped.

When someone asks you the date, you say something along the lines of "The fifth day of the month of Vryce's Creation, year 535."

The only human face you've seen for days belonged to someone on the Medievia Picture Page.

You've received third-degree burns after refusing to get off the computer in a lightning storm.

...and you got pumped full of Novocain so moving your fingers while playing Med at the hospital wouldn't hurt so much.

Your keyboard is ruined because you drooled on it when you fell asleep on double XP day.

You've logged more hours at Medievia than at work or school.

You refer to your Carpal Tunnel Syndrome as a "wound of war."

You have more space on your hard drive devoted to Medievia files than everything else combined.

You think movies would be much better if they threw out all the nifty CG and replaced it with lines of scrolling text.

You've come so accustomed to absorbing lines and lines of information at once that, to you, War and Peace is a three-nighter.

The most light your skin can handle without burning is that of a standard monitor.

You're still reading this.

You got jumped in the street and started yelling at your assailant in tongues, hoping you were reciting at least one spell.

The closest thing to a graphical game you can handle is Zork.

You can quote the HELP files verbatim.

You wish you could photosynthesize with the light generated by your monitor so you wouldn't have to waste valuable playing time on something as trivial as eating.

You're *still* reading this.

You defend your choice of computer by yelling "Commodores work great with text!"

Ever had a date?

Didn't think so.

Your ISP decided to devote a server to you since you're online so much.

Your name is on one of the tombstones in the graveyard.

Are you seriously still reading this?

You own Spaceballs: The Toilet Paper.

You are such a non-stop player that you have never seen your screen saver.

You are attempting to build an ASCII Art Museum.

You haven't been out of sight of a computer since 1991.

You are on a first name basis with Vryce.

You are actually sad now that this is finished.


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