Medievia Mudslinger

October 7th, 2001

Medievian Rumble - By Rofellos

Medievia is a pretty big world, but when you throw the likes of smiling Beavers, monkey-smacking Elves and a few Dragons together, it's not big enough.

We, the elite members of the Mob Underground Dueling Network, thought so. Reaching into the depths of our shady networks and tapping into the deep pockets of various illicit merchants, we present to you... the Medievian RRRRRRumble!

Having more action than you could shake a worn teddy bear at, the Medievian Rumble pits every single creature together to see who or what will be left standing when the dust settles.

Introducing the hosts for this spectacular... Pete and Rick!

Pete : Hi there! Pete's here and welcome to another episode of "Medievian Rumble"!

Rick : Another "episode"? How many times do I have to tell you that we're not hosting "Days of our Medievian Lives"?!

Pete : Episode, chapter, season, whatever. Before we start the finals, lets take a look at the highlights of the day's events.

Rick : *Grumble*


Janitor VS Scruff
Location : City of Medievia

Pete : This match brings us to the streets of the City of Medievia. Good old City of Medievia. You know Rick, I have a lot of feelings about this place. There was this time when I was six...

Rick : Cut the reminiscing Pete, we have a show to run. What we have today is two of our most beloved contestants of all time.

Pete : None other than The-Lingerie-Wearing-Man and Feena : Warrior Weasel!

Rick : Er, no Pete that was last week. This week we pit Mr Clean himself, the Janitor against Medievia's favorite mutt, Scruff!

Pete : And just in time for the bell. Look at him go! The Janitor just whipped out his weapon of choice, the devastating brown stick of extreme destruction! Wow! Look at those moves he is pulling off! It's like nothing we've seen before! Scruff is no slouch either, those complex battle maneuvers are making me dizzy!

Rick : Looks like Janitor is sweeping the floor to me, and Scruff is just chasing his tail, Pete.

Pete : Wait, there is more! Scruff has just dropped king-size chocolate bars around the Janitor! Must be trying to distract him with the wrappers.

Rick : Wait a minute, those aren't chocolate bars. They are... they are... er, ewwwww!

Pete : Eeeek! Scruff really does it this time. The place is peppered full of fake chocolate bars. Even Mr Clean has given up clearing this mess, in fact, the Janitor is taking a nap in one corner!

Rick : He's not taking a nap, Pete. The Janitor just died from an apoplectic fit. The mess was way too much for him.

Winner : Scruff


Rabbit VS Fox
Location : The Preserve

Rick : What do we have here? A battle of the "furries"? Shouldn't they be eating something over there at the Preserve?

Pete : My bet's on the Fox. There is no way "cutie" is going to win.

Rick : The signal to start has been given! The fox has the upper hand and he knows it, he's not even sneaking.

Pete : Call the janitors Rick, that pile of brown fur is drooling all over the place! That will surely ruin the expensive carpeting!

Rick : Carpeting? What carpeting? We're outdoors.

Pete : Fox's like a drool machine, but you can't blame the guy, the organizers don't have the habit of feeding contestants before bouts.

Rick : Look! Fox can't control his hunger anymore, he's charging at the rabbit!

Pete : Poor Rabbit, he is just standing there. So innocent, so oblivious to the harm that is about to befall him. sob sob

Rick : By the Gods! The fox just fell into a hole rabbit had hidden earlier and impaled himself on some spikes!

Pete : What a sucker.

Winner : Rabbit (on points)


Tired Traveler VS Armored Pixie
Location : City of Medievia

Rick : We return to the streets of the City of Medievia! It took some time to clean up after Scruff's rampage, but they did it. What do we have for our fans, Pete?

Pete : Well, two of our finest fighters are going to feed each other a bag of knuckle sandwiches! Armored Pixie, of the Great Tree fame, is going up against the Tired Adventurer, otherwise known affectionately as the Tired Traveler by visitors of Castle Medievia.

Rick : Tough fight for the Adventurer, he looks worn out from the countless treacherous climbs up the Castle.

Pete : Couldn't agree better, Rick! How many of us are guilty of taking a few pokes at him and his pal on our way to the omelet... er... I mean war room.

Rick : Pixie looks serious, I heard his family name is at stake. It'll be some fight!

Pete : There is hope still though, you never know when the exotic skills the Adventurer possesses will come in handy.

Rick : And there goes the signal!

Tired Traveler : Hold on a minute gentlemen, do allow me to finish this tasty chocolate bar I found lying around.

Rick : No wait Mr Traveler, that is *not* a chocolate bar!!!

Winner : Armored Pixie (by default)

MATCH 1378

Pirates VS A Bar of Adamantite
Location : The Pirate Ship

Pete : Another match is about to get our adrenaline pumping! Will the pirates ever chew through that bar of Adamantite? Will Mount Vryce ever be overrun by three legged Harpies? Will Captain Amos ever get his boots cleaned?

Rick : It's a bar of Adamantite sitting there, Pete.

Pete : I heard the pirates went into conflict with our judges prior to the match. Something about wanting to fight this match together and shifting the location to their ship. The judges were pretty annoyed, I guess this is their way of saying "thanks".

Rick : Well if they say the bar is a legal competitor, then it is!

Pete : There goes the bell! Fight fight fight!

Rick : The pirates are trying pretty hard to hurt the bar of Adamantite. Shovel, picks, axes, swords, hammers, black lacy bras... everything!

Pete : Not much luck there. Adamantite is supposed to be almost indestructible.

Rick : Hey, what are they doing with so much explosives?


Pete : Oh look, they blew up their ship.

Rick : Along with themselves.

Winner : A Bar Of Adamantite

MATCH 2476

Hermit VS Alfred
Location : The Catacombs

Rick : Well, well, what do we have here? Two of the biggest opposites in Medievia...

Pete : Who? Captain Underwear and He-Who-Eats-With-His-Mouth-Open? Cool! Can't wait for their autographs!

Rick : Pete, you need a doctor, urgently. As I was saying, at one end of the spectrum we have the Hermit himself! All the way from the depths of the Catacombs, the master of the "Zen" and five time champion of the Medievian Philosophy Tournament.

Pete : All that and his "roots" were still stolen! Ha ha ha! Got it? Got it?

Rick : No Pete, I didn't get it. Anyway, at the other end of the spectrum we have Alfred, the vagabond. The slackest of slackers, jobless, dirty, camping outside the City of Medievia since... well, for as long as I could remember.

Pete : And the signal to start has been given.

Rick : The Hermit, having seen the true meaning of life through years of meditation is taking this slow and easy. Wow, his meditation techniques are amazing! The Judges watched in disbelief as he discovers the inner secrets of time and space, all in a day's work!

Pete : Alfred, on the other hand, discovers that the shortest way to win is to smack the Hermit over the head with a big stick. Oh look, isn't that the Hermit's roots all over the floor?

Rick : Ouch, that must have hurt!

Winner : Alfred

Pete : Now we've seen the best of the preliminary events, it's now time for the match you've all been waiting for!


Zeksagmak VS Scruff
Location : The Wilderness

Rick : This smells like a classic mismatch. Zeksagmak, the granddaddy of all dragons against cute little Scruff.

Pete : Zeksagmak may be tough, but Scruff is the embodiment of all that is good and lovable. He...

Rick : being roasted like a marshmallow!

Pete : All right, this is a classic mismatch.

Rick : (Calls to the staff behind the curtains) Quick, roll the ending credits!

Winner : Zeksagmak

And we have a WINNER!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have come to the end of our show. Please evacuate the arena in a calm and orderly manner. All events here may or may not be purely imaginary depending on your current psychiatric condition. The Mob Underground Dueling Network disown any knowledge of any of these events ever taking place.

Please be advised not to consume chocolate bars of unknown origins.

*End credits roll*

Pete : Hello? Anyone still out there? Now that the contestants has all left, it's time to air my views. For starters, Zeksagmak sucks! Who the heck invited that big lump of fat? Scruff would kick his derriere any day if he hadn't attacked before the bell!

Zeksagmak : RRrrroooOOooAAaaaRRRR?

Pete : Er... wait I can explain! Nic.. Nice Draggie. Hey, what are you doing? Woo, that tickles! Don't do that pleas... arghhhhhh!


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