Medievia Mudslinger

December 28th, 2002

He loves me, he loves me not - By Elliena

So,you are tired of traveling for days without any company? Or perhaps you have come to the realization of how convenient it is to have some help when you collect those Catacomb eggs for your next Easter celebration? It could be that you simply can't afford to buy a house by yourself - after all, real estate prices are so high these days... Or perhaps by some strange twist of fate you have fallen in love with your mighty-but-not-so-bright-when-it-comes-to-romance clan leader who sees in you just another brave warrior working towards clan prosperity. While not always expected, those things happen to almost every one of us. Here are several suggestions on how to secure his attention and keep him beside you for better or worse, long trading trips or visits to some of the famous Medievian resort places where one can stock up on some excellent equipment.

Be adventurous! Let's face it, most of us would rather go chasing a dragon in the hopes of acquiring yet another beautiful piece of attire for our already full closets, or perhaps ride for hours on another endless business trip hoping to finally save enough to buy that beautiful fire diamond ring you saw on sale in the Library the other day. Exciting things to do indeed, but keep in mind the infamous love affair of men and chaotic player killing places. Boring as it may seem to you, and rather cruel, it is a great way to socialize with men: waiting for the next brave hero to fall into your grasp might give you valuable time to exchange secrets of the heart while hiding and snuggling next to your beloved. If even that cannot convince you to experience the thrills of CPK, look at it as a practical way to combine business with pleasure: think about it as another way to get your hands on that beautiful ring or tiara! As one of my beloved clannies used to say, you never know the fashion tastes of your next CPK victim.

Give him space! So he wants to go kill others without you! If he seems reluctant to take you with him when he goes out with the sole idea of increasing his trophy collection of mummified heads, don't let yourself fall prey to suspicions that this will turn out to be a secret rendezvous in one of the Somewhere suites readily available in the Medievian resort hotel. Unless you happen to be a loving cleric wife, chances are that he will see you as another impediment, pretty much like the slowdown and dizziness experienced when he smells the blood after a successful backstab. Instead, consider giving him as a holiday present a home-made 'I-will-not-follow-you-around-the-next-time-when-you-go-killing' card.

Be original! While picking flowers in the beautiful gardens of Braneri (a favorite place of mine for solitary walks in rainy days, I must admit) might look very appealing to you, consider sharing some charitable work instead and help protect the Mellorian Citadel from pirate invaders. Perhaps your man feels at his best when he smells blood in the air? This holiday, instead of taking him to a cozy empty apartment with a couch being the only piece of furniture, or renting one of the above mentioned suites, surprise him with a well-planned getaway vacation to Asnor or Thunderhoume. Nothing says 'I love you' better than a quickly shared kiss in the midst of a bloody battle with a smelly troll or dwarf.

Be the conversation queen! If, for one reason or another, you decide to initiate a conversation, avoid trivial gossiping but show how much up-to-date you are with the list of recently deceased heroes in CPK or the variety of helmets, plates, and other armor items that have changed hands lately. As interested as you were to hear about the recent development of the affair between Lady Goland and Count Van Kylin, keep in mind this simple rule of thumb: lack of blood equals lack of interest.

Do not expect too much! While your Christmas list might include such things as the coconut bra you once saw on a fellow girlfriend at that party in Gnomenel last summer, or perhaps a teddy bear that one can only find in the secret passages under Medievia, keep in mind that your man might have another idea of the-most-romantic-ever Christmas gift. While we strive to combine the beautiful with the practical, in the man's mind the two are quite reversed. So don't be surprised if you end up unwrapping a bulky helmet or shield that he swears was made custom for you instead of that beautiful red dress you've been dreaming of ever since you visited Aeketh.

Be supportive! Even when the last thing you are interested in is the count of victims your beloved collected heads from this afternoon, pretend that you are truly mesmerized by asking him questions that encourage him to share that experience with you. If he happens to be one of those rare champions who would rather help cleaning the Catacombs of its scum instead of trying to acquire more trophies for their clanhall walls, make sure you take interest into his daily egg collection.

Give him an original compliment! It only follows from the above then, that if you wish to secure that special place in your hero's heart, the best way to do so is by complimenting his manly attitude and appearance. As appealing as it seems to comment on the intricate work he had done on his clanitemed Tyche, be sure to praise its value among other things, and the rareness of the object. A comment on how good he dealt with that ogre that attacked you while you two were taking a romantic walk in the gardens around Medievia two days ago is also a good way to compliment his skills. And of course, it is always a good idea to cheer hard when he shares his stories about defeating other mighty heroes, even if deep inside you feel skeptical about it.

Be resourceful! So you've won the man of your dreams and even managed to educate him on the merits of being lawfully mudmarried. You have had your glamorous wedding and after many hours of contemplation you have come up with the perfect echo. Sure, you don't mind spending several days in a rented Somewhere suite, but you miss talking to your girlfriends every now and then. If gossip is what you like and honeymooning in Medlink just doesn't do it for you anymore, there is still hope to regain that blissful pre-marital state of gossip knowledge without hurting your new mudmarriage. Disguise your craving for some female company as a noble concern that he is not getting enough solo time with the boys. Suggest that he joins the newest quest so he can prove to you he is still the bravest of them all, and casually mention a girlfriend in distress who needs your help with finding the right pair of boots for a dress she is dying to wear the next time she goes out helping her man battle some trolls. He will never know.

And last but not least - be prepared! Unfortunately, every now and then we tend to forget there are other dashing ladies out there, just waiting to put their hands on our hero. Let's say your man, once so fond of being in every blood hunt group and having a multi-page to-kill-today list every day, has recently acquired the habit of frequently idling in obscure clantowns without giving any explanation to his behavior. Or on the contrary, he spends too much time with his newly adopted daughter. So much time, in fact, that you have started to suspect the bloodline ties are only an attempt to throw dust in your eyes. Instead of using his shirt as a handkerchief for your tears, turn your gaze towards greener pastures as you embrace the fire diamond he gave you at your last date. If you played your cards smart, your gains should outweigh by far the losses in the balance sheet of your heart.


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