January 14, 2001
Keeping the City Clean - By Tyrnael
They say that there are only two constants in Medievia: good food and
Vryce, in his infinite wisdom and foresight, realized the need to keep
Medievia clean and created the sanitation's department. In return for our
services he granted us pseudo-immortality. He did not, however, grant us a
very high pain threshold.
The result? Lots of dead janitors..
Yes, Vryce created the City of Medievia, "A monument to the human spirit and
his own strength... a place where life, philosophy, trade, and friendship grew.
Travelers came from the far reaches of the world to marvel at the sights,
trade in the riches and to revel in the newfound prosperity."
They also came to administer beat-downs to hapless janitors.
Janitors like me.
As a child I was too scrawny to wield a sword, too dumb to recite a spell book,
too clumsy to steal, and too plain to become a cleric. What was left save for
the life of a janitor?
My mother chided me in my choice of a profession, and my friends ridiculed me
and tried to dissuade me from my choice: "Why can't you go around killing pixie
maidens? It's the latest craze." Did I not want to kill a maiden for some lousy
acorn? Did I not want to poach beavers and rabbits on the preserve? Did I not
want to kick the Town Crier in the groin? But what choice did I have?
Perhaps it was my destiny to become a Janitor. Perhaps it was my love for
Medievia. As a child I could never bear the sight of garbage on the streets.
I always admired those Janitors, who bravely picked up the trash, only to be
kicked in the groin and looted. It was a worthy cause, keeping the city
clean. It never occurred to me that the corpses of all those Janitors probably
made more of a mess than they were worth - but I never was a bright person.
Years ago, I made the ultimate decision to don the battle garb of a janitor,
doing battle with the trash and filth in Medievia, an irrevocable decision that
would cost me my life. Again, and again, and again.
To prepare for the life ahead, all janitors must enroll in a training session
before they can be called a true Medievian janitor. All would-be janitors are
required to study under the wisdom of the sanitation guildmaster. I remember
him quite fondly. He was a nice old chap, who retired about a year ago, after
being eaten by a dragon.
He warmly greeted us on our first day orientation session, and delivered an
uplifting speech. We would need it.
"As the sanitation's guildmaster, I heartily welcome all of you to your first
day of a new life. I cannot help but cry as I see so many dedicated men and
women out here today, who are willing to put their lives on the line to remove
the detritus from our fine and fair city. You represent the finest in
Medievia. You are kind and honest folk, whose duty consists not only of
keeping the city clean but rendering aid to all those who would need it. You
will doubtless help many adventurers with a wry sense of humor to reach the
coveted HERO status, albeit not intentionally. Always bear in mind, your
profession is one of the most important ones in Medievia. Try to remember these
words as you are being beaten senseless by everyone and everything. It's the
only encouragement you'll get."
Being young and naive, I ventured a silly question.
"What about the city guards? Won't they help me if I'm attacked?"
The guildmaster chuckled.
"If you entrust your lives to the Medievian guards, you are a dead man. Their
task is to stand around and look pretty. As long as they themselves are not
attacked, adventurers can go about beating you senseless, and the most the
guards will ever do is cough. And that's if you're lucky. I once saw dead
janitors tossed into a heap in the corner of the most heavily guarded section
of Medievia, and the only time a guard intervened was when one of the corpses
was accidentally tossed onto his foot. What I'm trying to say is that the
answer to your question is NO."
"Well then, on to the training. I will now teach you the basics of garbage
disposal. My assistants are now handing out standard issue Anti-Litter-Defense-
Matrix. I prefer to call them mops. Now, hold your weapons like so. No, no,
move your right hand higher.."
He proceeded to show us the proper way to hold our mops. After he was
satisfied, he concluded with a combat demonstration. He picked up a piece of
garbage and threw it on the floor. He motioned for us to watch carefully.
"I will begin with some precautionary probing attacks on the garbage. This is
to get a feel for the garbage and its fighting style. Never rush in; always
survey your opponent, in this case, a level 129 mutated banana peel. Look for
weak spots; your opponent will likewise be doing the same. Now, I will move in
and start testing my opponent's weak spots. Since you are all beginners don't
try anything fancy. That will surely result in death. There are already
adventurers who are quite skilled at killing you; don't die in the hands of
The guildmaster calmly and carefully attacked the banana peel, hitting it from
all sides. The peel, which now looked awful, lunged forward in a desperate
counterattack. It overextended, providing the critical opening that the
guildmaster needed. He brought his elbow down on the mutated peel, and stunned
it. He followed up by raising his mop into the air and landing a devastating
backstab that ripped through the banana's defenses. He added a good twist.
Shortly after this, I began my life as a Janitor. It was not an easy job, but
on the plus side death is always an interesting experience; the novelty never
I remember my first death. I had just finished my training in the Sanitation
Guild and was ready to greet the world. I bounded out the Guild, mop in hand,
and spotted some garbage left carelessly lying about. I attacked with vigor...
The Janitor's mop disembowels Some Garbage!
The Janitor's mop eviscerates Some Garbage!
The Garbage is looking pretty awful!
A gust of wind blows the confetti in the Janitor's face!
The Janitor has a nasty looking welt on his forehead!
The Janitor's pierce devastates the Garbage!
The Garbage has been destroyed and will be sent to the Recycling Processing Unit!
The Janitor emerges from the battle bloody, but cheerful.
He has learned much and has gained a level!
Proud with my achievement, I bounced down the street, carelessly colliding with
a fellow Medievian. "I'm sorry! How careless of me! Please accept my
apologies, and my humble welcome to Medievia! I have not seen you around
before, are you new here? Perhaps you would like some help finding your way
The warrior did not look very nice, and the next thing I knew, a necromancer
was standing over my body, putting a scarab on each eye. He pondered the
problem deeply, and seemed to come to a conclusion. He began preparing the
ritual for my body - chanting out the phrase -
"drixnil im pri- aw to hell with it! Not worth all this for a lousy Janitor!"
With that, he disappeared in a puff of smoke. A god soon resurrected me, and I
proceeded to die fifty more times before I retired to my small apartment, where
a small rat killed me.
Yes, the life of a Janitor has been infinitely rewarding - I have helped
hundreds of thousands reach the second level, destroyed numerous amounts of
garbage, and have helped many a hero to, well, HERO.
Lest I triple the death toll of my janitorial clan, let me state that we
Janitors have auras pure as the driven snow. So, if you're okay with the
alignment drop, we're more than happy to provide you with that crucial
experience. I would also like to say that we should all do our part to keep
Simply enter "alias loot get gold corpse; sac corpse" Now whenever you kill me,
a merchant, a guard, a commoner, a traveler, or any other sap dumb enough to
walk in your direction, not only do you get the measly xp and gold, you also
keep Medievia in its sparkling and wondrous state.
Please folks, just take look around you! Corpses are rotting everywhere. Take
the time to dispose of our bodies before proceeding on your merry journey, and
the city will be the better through your efforts.
Thank you very much.
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