Medievia Mudslinger

January 14, 2001

Keeping the City Clean - By Tyrnael

They say that there are only two constants in Medievia: good food and dead Janitors.

Vryce, in his infinite wisdom and foresight, realized the need to keep Medievia clean and created the sanitation's department. In return for our services he granted us pseudo-immortality. He did not, however, grant us a very high pain threshold.

The result? Lots of dead janitors..

Yes, Vryce created the City of Medievia, "A monument to the human spirit and his own strength... a place where life, philosophy, trade, and friendship grew. Travelers came from the far reaches of the world to marvel at the sights, trade in the riches and to revel in the newfound prosperity."

They also came to administer beat-downs to hapless janitors.

Janitors like me.

As a child I was too scrawny to wield a sword, too dumb to recite a spell book, too clumsy to steal, and too plain to become a cleric. What was left save for the life of a janitor?

My mother chided me in my choice of a profession, and my friends ridiculed me and tried to dissuade me from my choice: "Why can't you go around killing pixie maidens? It's the latest craze." Did I not want to kill a maiden for some lousy acorn? Did I not want to poach beavers and rabbits on the preserve? Did I not want to kick the Town Crier in the groin? But what choice did I have?

Perhaps it was my destiny to become a Janitor. Perhaps it was my love for Medievia. As a child I could never bear the sight of garbage on the streets. I always admired those Janitors, who bravely picked up the trash, only to be kicked in the groin and looted. It was a worthy cause, keeping the city clean. It never occurred to me that the corpses of all those Janitors probably made more of a mess than they were worth - but I never was a bright person.

Years ago, I made the ultimate decision to don the battle garb of a janitor, doing battle with the trash and filth in Medievia, an irrevocable decision that would cost me my life. Again, and again, and again.

To prepare for the life ahead, all janitors must enroll in a training session before they can be called a true Medievian janitor. All would-be janitors are required to study under the wisdom of the sanitation guildmaster. I remember him quite fondly. He was a nice old chap, who retired about a year ago, after being eaten by a dragon.

He warmly greeted us on our first day orientation session, and delivered an uplifting speech. We would need it.

"As the sanitation's guildmaster, I heartily welcome all of you to your first day of a new life. I cannot help but cry as I see so many dedicated men and women out here today, who are willing to put their lives on the line to remove the detritus from our fine and fair city. You represent the finest in Medievia. You are kind and honest folk, whose duty consists not only of keeping the city clean but rendering aid to all those who would need it. You will doubtless help many adventurers with a wry sense of humor to reach the coveted HERO status, albeit not intentionally. Always bear in mind, your profession is one of the most important ones in Medievia. Try to remember these words as you are being beaten senseless by everyone and everything. It's the only encouragement you'll get."

Being young and naive, I ventured a silly question.

"What about the city guards? Won't they help me if I'm attacked?"

The guildmaster chuckled.

"If you entrust your lives to the Medievian guards, you are a dead man. Their task is to stand around and look pretty. As long as they themselves are not attacked, adventurers can go about beating you senseless, and the most the guards will ever do is cough. And that's if you're lucky. I once saw dead janitors tossed into a heap in the corner of the most heavily guarded section of Medievia, and the only time a guard intervened was when one of the corpses was accidentally tossed onto his foot. What I'm trying to say is that the answer to your question is NO."

"Yes sir."

"Well then, on to the training. I will now teach you the basics of garbage disposal. My assistants are now handing out standard issue Anti-Litter-Defense- Matrix. I prefer to call them mops. Now, hold your weapons like so. No, no, move your right hand higher.."

He proceeded to show us the proper way to hold our mops. After he was satisfied, he concluded with a combat demonstration. He picked up a piece of garbage and threw it on the floor. He motioned for us to watch carefully.

"I will begin with some precautionary probing attacks on the garbage. This is to get a feel for the garbage and its fighting style. Never rush in; always survey your opponent, in this case, a level 129 mutated banana peel. Look for weak spots; your opponent will likewise be doing the same. Now, I will move in and start testing my opponent's weak spots. Since you are all beginners don't try anything fancy. That will surely result in death. There are already adventurers who are quite skilled at killing you; don't die in the hands of garbage."

The guildmaster calmly and carefully attacked the banana peel, hitting it from all sides. The peel, which now looked awful, lunged forward in a desperate counterattack. It overextended, providing the critical opening that the guildmaster needed. He brought his elbow down on the mutated peel, and stunned it. He followed up by raising his mop into the air and landing a devastating backstab that ripped through the banana's defenses. He added a good twist. RIP.

Shortly after this, I began my life as a Janitor. It was not an easy job, but on the plus side death is always an interesting experience; the novelty never wears off.

I remember my first death. I had just finished my training in the Sanitation Guild and was ready to greet the world. I bounded out the Guild, mop in hand, and spotted some garbage left carelessly lying about. I attacked with vigor...

The Janitor's mop disembowels Some Garbage!
The Janitor's mop eviscerates Some Garbage!
The Garbage is looking pretty awful!
A gust of wind blows the confetti in the Janitor's face!
The Janitor has a nasty looking welt on his forehead!
The Janitor's pierce devastates the Garbage!
The Garbage has been destroyed and will be sent to the Recycling Processing Unit!
The Janitor emerges from the battle bloody, but cheerful.
He has learned much and has gained a level!

Proud with my achievement, I bounced down the street, carelessly colliding with a fellow Medievian. "I'm sorry! How careless of me! Please accept my apologies, and my humble welcome to Medievia! I have not seen you around before, are you new here? Perhaps you would like some help finding your way ar-"

The warrior did not look very nice, and the next thing I knew, a necromancer was standing over my body, putting a scarab on each eye. He pondered the problem deeply, and seemed to come to a conclusion. He began preparing the ritual for my body - chanting out the phrase -

"drixnil im pri- aw to hell with it! Not worth all this for a lousy Janitor!"

With that, he disappeared in a puff of smoke. A god soon resurrected me, and I proceeded to die fifty more times before I retired to my small apartment, where a small rat killed me.

Yes, the life of a Janitor has been infinitely rewarding - I have helped hundreds of thousands reach the second level, destroyed numerous amounts of garbage, and have helped many a hero to, well, HERO.

Lest I triple the death toll of my janitorial clan, let me state that we Janitors have auras pure as the driven snow. So, if you're okay with the alignment drop, we're more than happy to provide you with that crucial experience. I would also like to say that we should all do our part to keep Medievia clean.

Simply enter "alias loot get gold corpse; sac corpse" Now whenever you kill me, a merchant, a guard, a commoner, a traveler, or any other sap dumb enough to walk in your direction, not only do you get the measly xp and gold, you also keep Medievia in its sparkling and wondrous state.

Please folks, just take look around you! Corpses are rotting everywhere. Take the time to dispose of our bodies before proceeding on your merry journey, and the city will be the better through your efforts.

Thank you very much.