Medievia Mudslinger

December 23, 2000

One God's Christmas Shopping - By Roirdei

The sun rises upon Medievia. From Sea's End to Thanos, people are getting ready for another day full of promise. Traders are pulling in the night's last wagons, creatures of the dark are retreating to their places of hiding to prepare yet another night of carnage, and thieves are joyful, for they can scan, once again.

Yet, there is one person for whom this bright object appearing in the sky comes more as a shock than it does as anything else. In fact, if they had been wandering the God Halls at that very moment, one could have heard a frazzled voice mutter:

"Gruz... Is it day already?"

Squinting through the brilliant light of the medievian sunrise, the God Roirdei shakes himself back into a state of relative conciousness.

He attempts to gather what fragmented recollections he has of the previous night (one last herobattle, the mindlink, spammed, eyes all blurry, just resting them for a second) as he gets up, stretches his aching muscles and peers down at his desk.

Well, he is pretty sure that there is still a desk somewhere under the pile of letters, scraps of paper with pairs of heroes scribbled down upon them in haste, service notes, bits and pieces of his New God Training routine, and the occasional AutoQuest draft here and there.

His eyes set upon a small piece of bright yellow paper, and the last of his tiredness disappears in a flash. It reads:

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve!
One word : PRESENTS!
-Roirdei (you you dummy)

Oh dang... Christmas Eve already, and not a present for his friends and colleagues!

Quickly, he uses some minor creation magic (it is, surprisingly, quite useful as a God) to summon up a sheet of paper, takes out his trusty sapphire-tipped quill, a sepia inkwell, and starts to draw up a lengthy list of Gods, in alphabetical order, with the corresponding gifts:

Arethusa - The World's Largest Teddy Bear

Caeraela - Peace in Riverton

Columnus - A GodGift Keg of Beer that when rained upon Medievia will randomly strike players like a Volkswagon from the sky

Durakoff - A Happy Hat

Enignon - A First Edition of every book ever written

Excrucior - A Zeksagmak Bean Bag to vent his frustration upon

Gamina - More Sleep

Halegor - A T.A.M. (Telepath Answering Machine, all the rage among Gods these days)

Janifrenis - An Extra 6 Hours in each day just for him

Kalithon - 10000 lbs of Marshmallow Cream, a Rubber Hose, a Shovel and 3 Volunteers

Kostia - A Small, Portable Sun for her living room (Protective Gloves not included)

Maleah - A Talking Pink Elephant to spend the long winter nights in heated discussion with

Masou - A Jukebox Singing Sword with the word Creed etched upon it

Melquiades - A Glass Blown Hookah filled with a swirling green mist

Mhordamis - A Blow-Up Doll (there is no talking him out of it)

Nykaul - A Hot Tub (It is COLD where she lives!!!)

Prae - Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards All

Reuan - The Creative Mortal Slaying Machine 9000. It has everything the overworked God could want. Just tell it the names of the mortals on your hit list, and it hunts them down and gives them each a special death. Over 9,000 finishing moves with update packs available every two months!

Ria - A Tanova Voodoo Doll

Solarina - A Silver Tigerstriped Persian Cat with a Blue Rose in its mouth

Soleil - A Cabin on the top of a REAL Mt. Vryce

Syltheana - A Dave Matthews CD in a Pineapple Purse

Taralynn - A Violet Chinchilla

Tiojen - A Little Remote Control that makes people's heads explode at the push of a button

Vangroen - A Stopwatch that can stop time and let him accomplish all the things he wants to do:

  1. Punish all the naughty players in Medievia. (Which he hopes are not many of.)
  2. Give thanks to all the good players in Medievia. (Which he hopes there are a lot of.)
  3. Write a good zone.
  4. Finish all his graduate studies.
  5. Finish all his Christmas cookies and Hanukkah treats.
  6. Find a great gift for the one he loves.
  7. Spend more time with his parrot.
  8. Time to drink a beer from every Stein he has collected. (On the same day. He has thirty of them.)
  9. Start a novel.
  10. Finish a novel.
Vehlani - On the twelfth day of Christmas, I will give to Vehlani: 12 Coders Coding, 11 Gripers Freezing, 10 Lords for Keeping, 9 Men for Fancying, 8 Maids for Cleaning, 7 Wands of Disappearing, 6 Heroes Nonpraying, 5 RL Golden Rings, 4 Calling Cards, 3 French Men, 2 Mud Loves and an Unbankable Iron Key.

Ymris - A Cleaning Imp, for his office (An idea of Melisandi's)

Zenzer - His own race of Elves named the Zen'zerbians that wear Santa Claus outfits and give out Pointed Candy Canes to Heroes and Dragon Crystals to Newbies.

This done, he puts down his quill, pulls up his sleeves, and takes one final glance at the list. Time to get down to business.

"Being a God sure has its perks...", he says to himself, surrounded in an ethereal blue light, as the fabric of creation starts to blur and fold itself around him...

... Flying in the clouds far above the great City of Medievia, a Giant Roc is almost shot out of the air by a sudden burst of magical energy from the sky. It swerves at the last moment, forcing its rider to hold on for dear life.

"Hey, watch it! I'm flyin' here!" it prays in anger, then resumes its previous course...

... The purple haze clouding the office slowly dissipates and Roirdei surveys the piles of well-wrapped gifts all around him with a look of satisfaction.

"Well, that's that", says he, as he opens up a miniature black hole in which to store the gifts until midnight.

Yet, he cannot help but think that somehow something is wrong. That he has forgotten someone important...

"But of course, I have forgotten the most important of all!" he proclaims, picking up his quill and his list once again. At the bottom of this, he writes:

-Last but not least, the People of Medievia, to whom I give my utmost respect and wish the very best of festive cheer. Merry Christmas.

Roirdei: Gods sanc us, every one!

And, as a special bonus to those who actually took the time to read their way through this article (all the others won't be reading this, their loss), a Special Treat : Alteneos' Letter to Santa, sent to me by mistake, for some odd reason.

Dear Santa,

I would like a brand new pet dragon for Christmas. My current dragon is a bit old and scared of the snow, so he's getting rather useless, especially this time of the year. As long as the new dragon has clearance for all the major airports and can handle the cold, he'll be ok. Also if you could deliver a couple tons of dragon food (my neighbors are sadly missed) it would be great help too. As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been extra good this year and feel I deserve such a gift!

Thank you Santa,


P.S: If you feel that I have been extra nice this year, I could also find use for a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time because I've been finding some kobolds wandering around my backyard lately and frankly they scare me...

I would like to thank all the Gods and Goddesses (*whistle*) who courageously sacrificed their good name in the making of this article. They quite clearly had no idea whatsoever of what they were getting into.

Disclamer : No Geese, Eagles, Griffons or other quill feather-bearing creatures were hurt in the making of this article. Any resemblance to Gods and/or Goddesses living and/or dead is entirely intentional.