Medievia Mudslinger

November 11, 2000

Behind the Bar - A view you don't often see, logged by Excrucior

"One for myself? Don't mind if I do, sir. Not often we get heroes of your caliber in here, if you don't mind me saying so. I try to mindlink all your fights, you know, that last was a classic. Triple stab when his sanc went down - true mastery. My wife's even more fanatical, sir, she logs all your fights and reads them time and time again. If I ever have a bloodline I believe your name will be in there somewhere. Another for me, sir? Why thank you, sir, but I'll keep it on one side for the moment.

"And your poison, sir? Sorry, just a figure of speech, you can put the dagger away now please. Xornish Death Juice? Are you sure you're high enough level to be drinking that sonny? I'll agree it's a very nice sword, sir, but can I introduce you to Basil? No, sir, behind you. Up a bit... a bit more up. Yes sir, he is very tall. I believe he has some Fire Giant in him, slow digestion you see. That's right sir, that's what scabbards are for. Milk? A wise choice, sir, good for the teeth. If you have any left, eh Basil? Be a good chap and sit down somewhere would you, Basil? Oh, you are sat. Never mind, just don't block too much of the light then, hmmm?

"Now then sir, a tray of Fizzy Bubbles for your adventuring party? I'm sorry but a group of newbies finished our stocks off last week and we haven't had a fresh delivery since then. Oh, you are that group of newbies from last week. Don't you grow up fast these days, eh? Wouldn't you prefer something a little stronger? Pixie Pure Spirits? Firebreather? No sir, we don't keep mineral water - the horse trough outside suffices for water requirements. Plenty of protein too.

"Blood, sir? Shouldn't you be selling mirrors, sir? Daylight already? My word, doesn't time fly? Still, it's a good job that we're a twenty-four hour operation. Yes sir, they are good, thick shutters. No sir, we won't be opening them anytime soon. I'll just get your usual, sir.

"There we go sir, fresh cask came in this morning. Freshly scraped from the heroes on the Pirate Ship just yesterday. Is there something wrong? Newbie blood? I'll just... you're right! This is a Xezadha vintage if ever I tasted it. That's what I get for trusting a pirate. On the house for this cask, sir. Basil will see to it.

"Now then sir, you'll be wanting what? Ah, the menu is listed just up there on the chalkboard, sir. So that's twelve portions of devilled - sorry, demonned - Banelar steaks, extra rare, and eleven doggie bags. And a side order of brimstone, hold the sigils. Very good sir.

"Jemilly? Take this order through to Cookie, would you? Table four, gentleman with the horns and smouldering tablecloth please. Now then, sir. You'd like? A complaint? We don't get many complaints here, we're a reputable establishment, you know. No sir, we don't discriminate on grounds of race. Just because you're a Banelar yourself and we sell Banelar doesn't mean we'd treat you any differently. We'll serve anyone, anyone at all. That's not a very nice thing to say, sir. Basil? Would you take this customer to Cookie and show him just how we'll serve anyone? I believe the gentleman specified rare. Thank you, Basil. Don't spill too much on the way, there's a good lad.

"Nice boy, that Basil, eager to help out and very enthusiastic about it. Right madam, you'd like? Nine tankards of mead to go? Ah, you're in the middle of some trading, I see. The stables are just over there madam, but could you please leave your other mounts outside? We may be a Holosection Inn but we do have standards. Thank you, madam, they're really not trained to be inside an establishment of this quality. The last group of traders we had left their mounts inside and we had a merry old time cleaning up, I can tell you. Well, after Basil had finished with them, anyway.

"Ah, Basil, no problems I trust? Jolly good. Looks like we have another few guests arriving. Now then sir, fresh from the graveyard? Well, the bare bones do tend to give it away, sir, I'm not omnipotent you know. Tsk, newbies laughing at you and calling you 'fatty'? What is clan 50 coming to? That Coyote doesn't do much for teaching people manners, you can tell. So you want a single table and a tray of ale, I see. Jemilly? The gentleman at table three wants to drown his sorrows. Fetch the mop and bucket, would you?

"You know, Basil, that's not the first visitor we've had from there. Had a zombie in on your day off, you know. Yes, really. He'd only stopped off on his way by - apparantly he was off to see his fester parents. Get it? Fester parents? Oh, never mind. Now, who's next?

"My word, sir, I hadn't expected you here. Well, even gods must relax at some point. Don't mind if I don't worship, do you? Only it's my knees, you see. Never been right since I overtraded when I was a lad. A coder can fix it? Well, the drinks will be on the house if you could arrange it... thank you sir, very gracious. A proper gentleman you are, sir. Er, could you diminish your glow please, sir? Oh, too late, I'm sure Piotr will repop sometime soon. I'll just dust him to one side for the moment then. Now then sir, just what would you like from us today? Oh. I'm afraid we may have to disappoint sir today. Please sir, just be patient, it's just that we get very little demand for nectar around here. You're the first god we've had here in several months now, and getting hold of the stuff is nigh on impossible. Doesn't travel well and the rules say we cannot serve it to anyone under level thirty three. I even have to refuse avatars if you can believe that. Certainly sir, we do serve rather fine bar food. We have a reputation to uphold and we boast that we can serve any food you would care to order - a matter of pride. An ambrosia sandwich sir? Well, we do have a certain source for ambrosia so I would be able to oblige were it not for one slight problem. Please sir, it's only the bread we have run out of.

"I beg your pardon sir, but that joke isn't that old at all. All quips are fresh in every morning. Sir? No need to take on so, sir...

Here the logs corrupt and become indistinct...